Appendix

The Waif

Here are some earlier notes also by Ingrid:

'I'm writing this about two weeks after by first experience with the Waif; it seems like I've known her much longer. We've fantasised about her past history and believe she's spent most of her life in an orphanage, until one night she played with matches and burned the whole place down. Since then she's spent her time rather aimlessly collecting things like used contraceptives and old-bottle tops which she found in the park. I suppose that the making of relationships with other people is going to be one of the turning-points of her life.

'The first thing she became attached to was a blue balloon which she clutches firmly in her sticky fingers. At first she was very shy of other Masks and didn't really know how to make friends.

'One day she was sent to visit Grandfather, who at that time was just known as "the angry man that hit people". When she arrived she found a small brown teddy bear lying on the table, which she immediately became attached to and claimed for herself. At that point Grandfather, who had been growling in the background like an old rheumatic dog, leaped on the Waif from behind and snatched the bear away. This produced loud wailing noises and tears.

'For the Waif the teddy was perfect---soft, fluffy, something to clutch and fumble. Contact with objects made her more secure. Having the teddy snatched away was the most violently upsetting thing that had happened to her up to that point.

'I remember Ingrid coming back into focus and feeling real tears and terror and thinking "Christ, this is ridiculous---when I take the Mask off everyone will see that I've been crying, that I really am upset", but I couldn't stop the feelings. It was as if the Waif's experience had triggered off a deep emotional response in myself, as if a part of me was watching the trauma but could do nothing to stop it. It's very difficult to say whether it was "me" that was in a bad state towards the end, but I'm certain that if I hadn't been wearing the Mask, i.e playing a small girl who had her teddy taken away, I would have "felt" nothing, only acted being upset. The Waif could never "act" her responses because her emotional life is so real and alive. After this Mask session I realised [to what extent I'd learned to repress my feelings, especially when things made me unhappy.]

'Soon after this Keith arranged a "nice" scene where Grandfather returned the teddy. Her happiness at getting it back was equally intense. And Grandfather became a very important person for her.

'Loves sweets. Was given a grape and it kept falling out of her mouth. She doesn't seem to have any teeth---can only suck, smacking tongue and palate together.

'It was a long time before she realised she was being watched. She didn't seem to mind the audience providing they didn't get too close. Keith is a good friend---always seems to recognise his presence and to direct some of the things she says to him. I don't get this with other Masks.

'Speech: the "smacking" or "sucking" of her top teeth over bottom lip was the first noise she made---as she became more confident her favourite noise was "cor". When she was happy she also made a short, hard "ha" and "hee" sound. Learning short words like "sit" "stand" and "sweet" wasn't difficult, and she was eager to learn. It wasn't long before she was able to learn "Mary had a little lamb" but she always made up the end to suit herself. She was puzzled by words like "fleece" and "bound" and didn't seem able to accept them---probably why she made up half the rhyme.

Mary had a little lamb

It was white as snow

And everywhere that Mary went

She had a little lamb.

'This was one of her versions, although I'd have to do it with the Mask on to make sure. She learned to count up to ten before learning the rhyme. Her motive I think was because there was an audience, and as she is a bit of an exhibitionist, it was nice to do. Being rewarded with sweets was also good.'

Three Dreams

Some dreams announce themselves as messages. There's nothing casual about them. You wake up and they're completely vivid in your mind, and you keep thinking about them. Here are three such dreams.

My family are eating rubber eggs and they call me over to eat mine. The surface is cracked, and I can see deep into the disgusting interior. I put my egg on a high shelf and leave it there; but my family are eating theirs, a little slowly but with a pretence of enjoying them.

[A treasure is assembled for me by my teachers. The diamonds are glass and the pearls plastic and the gold is tarnished. I stand guard over the treasure, until I realise it's junk and go far away.]

There is a box that we are forbidden to open. It contains a great serpent and once opened this monster will stream out forever. I lift the lid, and for a moment it seems as if the serpent will destroy us; but then it dissipates into thin air, and there, at the bottom of the box, is the real treasure.

[Bloomsbury Methuen Drama]

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First published in paperback in 1981 by Eyre Methuen Ltd

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ISBN: PB: 978-0-7136-8701-9
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Series: Performance Books